Sasuke Dolls
by inkspot823
Summary: Shikamaru is watching as Sakura vents her frustration on some Home-made Sasuke dolls. But what effect will her frustrations have on the Sound Village?
1. Sasuke Dolls

AN: Because this is what I can imagine would happen if the Baseball Bat was even introduced in Konoha. ;)

Naruto does not belong to me. It belongs to Kishimoto, and believe me, he writes far better than I.

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It was a sunny afternoon in the middle of spring, where the weather was warm enough not to need a jacket any longer, but cool enough so that one wouldn't want to wear shorts. Shikamaru was taking a stroll by the training grounds to clear his head. His normal cloud watching spot was already being used by someone else, and he thought it far too troublesome to ask them to leave.

A grunt of exertion caught his attention, and he wondered briefly who was on the training grounds. He rounded a bend in the trees to find Sakura swinging a baseball bat with murderous force and sending something flying into the distance never to be seen again. Curiosity winning out over his better judgement, he decided it might not be too troublesome to find out what the pink-haired kunoichi was up to.

In lazy strides, he walked over to Sakura, making sure to keep a safe distance out of her bat's range and that he was in plain view.

"Hey Sakura. What's up?"

"Relieving some stress." She grunted, sending another object flying into space. Shikamaru noticed with some interest that she was hitting home-made Sasuke dolls, and that she had apparently been hitting them so hard, some of their stuffing had come out, if the white fluff at her feet was any indication.

"Sasuke dolls?" He asked curiously.

"Yep. Each one is bio-degradable, and has a hand written note stuffed inside." She said, hefting another doll to swing at. "A note filled with hate and loneliness and self-pity." She swung again, showering them both with stuffing. "They needed to go. And I had extra material."

Shikamaru smiled. "Creative. I wish Ino worked out her problems the way you do. Then we wouldn't have to hear about them so often."

Sakura smiled, hitting another doll into the distance. "Ino wants people to hear about her problems. She doesn't _try _to work them out. She wants _us _to help _her_. That's the only way she knows how to deal with them."

"Very philosophical, doctor." He grinned, watching her hit another doll into the distance. "Out of curiosity, where are you sending all these dolls that your hitting?"

"Rice country." She grunted. "That's where Sasuke was last."

He grinned. "Nice…"

*****

Kabuto was sitting in the expansive tree on the edge of the training grounds, watching as Orchimaru tried to teach Sasuke a new technique. So far, all that was happening was Sasuke hopping around trying not to get his ass handed to him. Orochimaru wasn't playing around today.

He smirked. Served that stuck up brat right.

A whistling sound caught his attention, and he looked up to see a small black speck in the sky zooming towards him. It had apparently caught Orochimaru and Sasuke's attention too, because that had stopped training to look up at the sky as well.

Kabuto did a quick mental calculation of the speed and force at which the object would strike, and about where. Even knowing his calculations weren't as accurate as they could have been, he became alarmed.

"Shit!" He cursed, diving out of the tree and trying to sprint across the training field. The missle struck with the force of a small meteor, shattering the tree where Kabuto had just been sitting, and nearly splitting the trunk clean in two. All three sound ninja scrambled to get out of the way as the tree toppled over.

"What the hell was that?!" Sasuke shouted.

Kabuto loped back over to the broken tree, rooting around until he found object in question. "You guys are not going to believe this," he muttered, using a small scale wind jutsu to cool down the smoking projectile before picking it up. "But it's a doll." He said showing it to them. "And I think it's a doll of you, Sasuke."

Sasuke took the burnt doll, the head immediately falling off in his hands to reveal a small, folded up piece of paper that was surprisingly no worse for wear. Orochimaru looked over Sasuke's shoulders at the headless doll and note.

"Well? Aren't you going to read it Sasuke? It's probably for you anyways."

"No thank you. I have no desire to know what's going on back at home." he said scornfully.

Another whistling noise filled the air, this time louder than before. The three of them tilted their heads back to find more that one doll flying at them with alarming speed.

"Back to the hide-out boys!" Orochimaru said, shoving them along as fast as he could. "And Sasuke, don't drop that note!"

They watched from the entrance of the hide-out as the training-field and surrounding forest became a bomb zone. Trees shattered, the ground exploded, the water in the lake burst straight up, raining down on everything until there was little water left in the lake at all.

"Ok. Now would be a good time to read that note." Kabuto said, looking slightly alarmed.

"Yeah. 'Cause I think they know where we are." Orochimaru added.

Sasuke grumbled, but opened the note, scanning it's contents quickly before turning bright red, crumpling it, and throwing it to the floor. Then, turning on his heal, he tried to walk deeper into the hide-out, seeking the shelter of his room. Orochimaru grabbed the back of his collar and hauled him back, indicating that he hadn't been dismissed yet, and wasn't allowed to leave.

Orochimaru picked up the note, scanned it, and started laughing before handing it to Kabuto. Kabuto cocked an eyebrow and turned bright red as he took in the letter.

"Oh wow. Someone has some issues to work out."

Orochimaru laughed, quoting the note. " 'Dear Sasuke, my lovely little Uchiha. You've destroyed my heart like the very flames that you represent! I can only hope that some day I can send you to a place where your flames are matchsticks compared to a bonfire, and you burn to ashes for all eternity!' " he snorted and laughed even harder. "Kabuto, we have to find who wrote this and have her join! She sounds positively brilliant!!"

"She goes on like this for half a page…" Kabuto said, still staring at the note in shock. "And some of the details are rather…. vivid."

"And look! She's sending more! Once she stops, lets go collect them all and read them!" he turned and looked at the Sasuke, who was in the process of trying to slink down the hall. "Come on Sasuke! Aren't you going to help us collect all the letters from your girlfriend?"

"She is not my girlfriend!" He shouted back.

"But surely you'd like to send a note back, right? We can even help you write it!"

Sasuke took one look at the overjoyed look on the snake ninja's face, saw his own doom reflected his his eyes, and took off running down the hall at full speed.

Orochimaru smiled at Kabuto. "That will teach the brat not to sass me on the field."

"So you were kidding about collecting all the notes?" Kabuto asked.

He grinned. "Are you kidding? Those things will provide hours of amusement, not to mention prime blackmail material! We get all of them!"

Kabuto sighed, not for the first time thinking that he had indeed sided with the crazy one. "Yes, lord Orochimaru. We'll get all of them…."

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AN: I loved writing this! Partially because writing it vented frustrations of my own, and partially because it was just was much fun trying to write for these characters. And I would love for someone to try and write some of Sakura's notes. J Go for it! Just tell when you do please!


	2. Sakura Dolls

AN: Because so many people asked for it, and because I love you all, I wrote another chapter to the story. I really hope you guys enjoy it as much the first!

I do not own Naruto. If I did, there would probably be more than 3 Icha Icha books… ;)

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Orochimaru was sitting at his desk looking over a stack of scrolls he was supposed to be reading. However, he was finding it more and more difficult to read them as he saw the pile of half charred, water-logged, and ripped Sasuke dolls sitting on the corner of his desk.

Picking up one of the torn dolls to examine it, he turned it over and examined the paper sticking out of it's back. He chuckled at the thought of the little hate-filled note.

"I had no idea those scrolls were so engaging." Kabuto said from the doorway, pushing his glasses into place.

Orochimaru glared over his shoulder at his assistant. "You know Kabuto, I could just have you reading all of these instead."

"Oh no. Such important scrolls in my care? No, the very thought is ludicrous; only you should lay eyes on something as important as those."

Orochimaru smirked at the attempted flattery. "Yes, because the report on the farm-house that supplies the cattle we use exploding is so very important."

"Well, that depends on why the farm exploded. If it was bombed in attempts to-"

"Someone tried to take a smoke in an outhouse."

"Ah. Well. That sounds… Engaging." Kabuto lied, clearing his throat.

"Extremely, I can assure you." Orochimaru said turning back to his desk to play with the Sasuke dolls once again. "Say, Kabuto. Do you have any idea who made these things?"

"I imagine it was Sakura. At least, she's probably the one who 'delivered' the dolls. She has Tsunade's strength, and has always loved Sasuke."

"Do you think Sasuke came to that same conclusion?"

"Undoubtedly. He wouldn't have tried to run if he hadn't."

"Good. Go get me info on this Sakura person, as well as her picture and the materials to make a doll." Orochimaru said, leaning back in his chair and examining the Sasuke doll with a malicious smile. "Include the colors needed to patch these."

Kabuto wondered why briefly, but knew better than to ask. He merely bowed and disappeared to go do what he was told.

Sasuke had been out on the training grounds. The new craters only made training that much more interesting; someone had almost managed to get away from him by falling backwards into one of them. Tired and sweaty from a long day of practice, he walked into the kitchen first, deciding to get something to drink before hitting the showers.

He opened the fridge to find a small Sakura doll hugging a bottle of water, the small note attached reading '_Reserved for my beloved Sasuke-kun. 3_'

"Funny." Sasuke growled, grabbing his water bottle and throwing the doll to the back of the fridge. Draining the bottle rather thirstily before heading to the showers, he pushed the doll to the back of his mind as well.

He put his clothes into a basket before storing it in a cubby, and grabbed his towel. Then, with his towel slung over his shoulder, he headed to the shower, yanking back the curtain.

He gave a small shout of surprise and consciously covered himself with his towel, blushing and scowling at the same time. It took him a moment to realize that the pink thing in his shower was a doll of Sakura, this time in a bathing suit. The note she held read, '_Oh Sasuke! Naughty boy! I saw __**that**_!'

He grabbed the doll in irritation and threw it across the room, before concealing himself behind the curtain to take his shower.

Not long after that, he was clean and refreshed, his towel now tightly tied around his waist. He made his way back to his basket to discover his clothes missing. In there was place was yet _another _Sakura doll, this time wearing a small version of his clothes.

'_What do you think? Sexy, right? But not as much as you! 3_'

He gave a shout of protest and stormed out of the bathroom. He marched through the hideout, still dripping wet, in search of Orochimaru with the Sakura doll in hand. However, he didn't get very far before he was forced to retreat to his room. He had forgotten how many females made the underground labyrinth their home, and it would seem all of them wanted to see him minus that towel. Curse them all.

Safely in his room, he decided he would grab another pair of clothes before seeking out his mentor. He had just pulled on a pair of pants when he noticed a lump in his sheets. On further examination, he found another doll of Sakura, clinging to a doll of himself. He twitched, seeing another note above them.

'_You'll never guess what just happened in this bed…'_

"_WHAT THE F-"_

_Orochimaru gave a smirk of satisfaction as Sasuke's shouts of rage echoed through the underground lair, coming in through the air vents and sounding much like an intercom._

"_You are an evil, evil man, Lord Orochimaru." Kabuto said, grinning as the profanity got increasingly worse._

"_Yes, I know." He said, turning back to his paper. "But that's half the fun of being me."_

_-----_

_AN: So? Did it meet your expectations? Or should I never ever do this again? I hope you enjoyed it, because I had fun writing it. Again. This started as a little idea that came from a review somebody left me. However, my brain mutilated the reviewer's idea beyond recognition and turned it into this. But I hope she enjoys it anyway. :D_


	3. Naruto Dolls

AN: Yay! I finally thought of something new! Thank you so much to everybody that has been so supportive throughout this whole thing. It's been fun. And that fun might not be over just yet either… Khehehehe….

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Rumor had gone around that Sakura had a bunch of Sasuke dolls she was randomly hitting into oblivion. Hinata, her curiosity peaked, decided to make her own doll. Stuffing it with a note into which she poured her very soul, she sighed in satisfaction before going to seek out Sakura.

Sakura was not hitting dolls today. Instead, she was just sitting in the training field she normally occupied with her trusty baseball bat handy should she need it. When someone called her name, she perked up, coming out of her daydreaming to find Hinata waving at here.

"Sakura-chan! I was looking for you!" She smiled.

"Hinata, nice to see you. What going on?"

"Oh nothing. I was just wondering if you could do me a favor." She said blushing.

"Well, ask away. You know I'll at least hear you out."

Hinata thrust two small dolls into Sakura's lap. "Could you sent those flying for me? They have all of my troubles in them, and I'd rather have my worries as far away as possible."

Sakura studied the dolls for a moment, smiling at Hinata's choices of who to model them after. "There's nothing in here that might give other countries information on us, is there?"

Hinata shook her head. "Of course not. I was very careful Sakura-chan."

"Then I have no qualms with sending this particular doll flying." She grinned.

"While your at it, I don't suppose you could get rid of my doll too, could you?"

Both women looked up to see Kiba standing there. He tossed his doll at Sakura for her inspection. His was roughly sown, but sturdy enough, and seemingly packed with paper instead of stuffing. "My sister made it," he muttered, his cheeks flushing slightly.

"Sure. I'll get rid of your worries too." She beamed.

"And mine?"

"Mine too."

"Be a pal, please?"

"I would be extremely grateful."

Chouji, Shikamaru, Ino, and Shino had all shown up while she was talking to Kiba, each holding a doll of there own. Sakura grinned and accepted them all.

"It'll be a little strange hitting these dolls, since I can no longer think I'm bashing Sasuke's head in, but if it helps all of you, then I don't mind."

They cheered as she sent one doll after the other flying off into the distance.

At the familiar whistling sound, Sasuke, Orochimaru, and Kabuto headed back into the hideout, watching as several dolls pepper the training field like bombs.

"Something strange about the dolls this time." Orochimaru muttered, wandering back out into the open.

"They're all rather strange if you ask me." Kabuto muttered, checking the sky to make sure they wouldn't be attacked again.

"You've said, Kabuto-san, you've said. Now, why don't you and Sasuke-kun help me gather up all these dolls? I want to examine them."

Grumbling, the pair set to work, although Sasuke gave Orochimaru a hard time about it, until he was told to un-bunch his panties and do it anyways. He still complained, of course.

Once all of the dolls had been gathered, the three sound nin stared at them. There were a couple of Naruto dolls, all different with their patchy mends, as well as a Hinata, Kiba, Shino, Shikamaru, Chouji and Ino doll, one a piece respectively. As Sasuke call out there names, Orochimaru picked up the Ino doll and opened it, reading the small piece of paper stuffed inside outloud.

'_Dear Sasuke_

_I've been told this is a good way to relieve stress, and you have caused me a lot recently. Do you realize how much trouble you've been causing us recently? And when are you coming back to marry me?! Ugh! You are in so much trouble when you get back! Making me walk on coals, and never mentioning your name ever without having someone burst into tears! If I wasn't so keen on marrying you, I'd wish you the most painful castration possible you horrible little…'_

He trailed off, reading the note quietly to himself. "Oh my. What foul language. Are all of your friends this crazy? It does appear that way."

"They are not my friends, and I am never going back to Konoha. The stupid crazies are part of the reason I left!"

"I thought it was for power." Kabuto said, grabbing another doll as he pushed his glasses into place.

"Well yeah, that too." Sasuke muttered.

Kabuto opened Kiba's doll, pulling out a wad of papers before determining which actually held writing, and reading it out.

'_Dear Sasuke,_

'_What's up, ass-hat? Man, I thought you were cold hearted before, but now… Lets just say that if you ever come back I'll kill you for what you've done. First I'm gonna…'_

_Kabuto stopped reading out loud, still skimming the paper. "Interesting. I'm going to have to try that some time. Sounds like it might be fun."_

_Sasuke grimaced. "I'm not going to stand around and listen to these stupid letters about people insulting me!"_

"_Not everything is about you, Uchiha-brat." Orochimaru said, still skimming the Ino doll's note. "This one seems to think I'm some kind of pedophile, and that I rape you in your sleep. The nerve. I mean honestly, what have I ever done to make somebody think that?" _

_Both boys stared at him momentarily before realizing he was serious. Sasuke promptly turned and left, muttering crossly to himself._

_Kabuto watched him go in amusement. "Well, I can't say he really understands the whole concept of un-bunching one's panties, eh Orochimaru-sama?"_

_Orochimaru just grinned. "Nah. He just wanted to sneak away with his prize unnoticed."_

"_What?"_

"_You mean you haven't noticed? The best Naruto doll is gone. And he still hasn't gotten rid of that Sakura doll either. She hides in a desk drawer along with one of the dolls of himself."_

_Kabuto grinned. "Really? Well, isn't that the best bit of blackmail material I've heard in a while…"_

_------_

_AN: Because I left a teaser up top, I've decided to fill you guys in a little. I might be writing some more chapters on the actual notes sent from the friends, but if anyone else wants to do so, go ahead, you have full permission to do so! Just tell me. They're just fun to write. _


	4. Kiba's Letter

AN: Because I personally loved the start of Kiba's note I had to continue it. You're still welcome to write your own versions of course, this is just what I imagined Kiba would do.

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Dear Sasuke,

What's up, ass-hat? Man, I thought you were cold hearted before, but now… Lets just say that if you ever come back I'll kill you for what you've done. First I'm gonna break your legs in the most painful way possible to hear scream like a little girl as you try to crawl away. That's right, the prestigious Uchiha forced to crawl in the dirt like a rat! On your knees, bitch!

Then, I'm going to break your shoulders, so that your arms are useless, and throw you into the kennel of ninja dogs behind my house so they can use you as a chew toy.

And don't think I've forgotten about your oh so special eyes. Yeah, they'll be gone. But not before I've made you watch at least ninety-six hours of Might Guys 'Youthful Lesson' reruns. You'll want to gouge your eyes out yourself by the time that's over. *snicker* Oh, I'm not even close to being finished yet.

After the dogs are through with you, and I will make sure they keep you alive, I'll give you to Shino. Do you know what he wants to do to you? Ha! You will be traumatized for life! Brain-raped by earwigs! XD I laugh at you!

I'll string you up by your broken ankles and drag through the streets so that people can point and laugh, throw you in the river tied to a rock, tell Gaara you stole his favorite childhood teddy bear, etc., etc….

And I still don't think you could ever fully pay for what you've done. Do you know how long Ino and Sakura cried over the fact you left? Sakura was downright begging us to bring you back! You even messed with Hinata's head! And because of that, Shino missed Hinata's happy face and was sulky for WEEKS. I hate you for that Uchiha. I HATE YOU. Nothing is worse that a sulky Shino. You know why? Because he holds a grudge, constantly talking about how unhappy he is. Nothing gets done! I. HATE. YOU.

But rest assured, we will get our revenge on you, you stupid self centered little prick. Personally, if I'm not the one to finally track you down, I hope my mom does. This is only because she's so damn protective of Hinata, and the moment she saw Hinata crying, she vowed to castrate you, and then haul your scrawny ass back the village. I gave her a thumbs up.

Anyways, it's been fun Sas-gay. But I have work to do, you know, like a _real ninja. Oh, and Akamaru has claimed your spine as a chew toy if I'm the one to finally track you down and bring back your dead-head. _

_Heh. Good luck._

_Kiba _

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_AN: Oh! Kiba you're so mean! X] But I had so much fun writing this. Kiba is one of my favorite characters to write for, although I seldom ever do for some reason. Anyways, tell me what you thought, if you would be so kind! ^_^ _


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